Old humor website from 1996.  Jokes are stale, some still edible!



SNAPPY SNIPES 4 U


What's that you say, bucko?! You detect a note of sarcasm and it turns into a whole symphony before you realize they're playing your song? You say you're tired of taking it and want to know how to dish it out? You say you have high standards, but only for everybody else?! Well buck up, bucko! We're about to give you enough sniper ammunition to alienate EVERYONE who might have called you friend!



***Caution: Use these Snipes at your own risk!***

TalkNatural.com is not responsible for your lack of judgement,

your abuse of power, your failure to build rapport,

or your apparent drive and desire to alienate and infuriate others!


YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE !


These snipes are placed here for entertainment purposes only.

Any attempt to use these snipes in order to undermine the

self-control of others is likely to result in severe consequences.

Only a neanderthal with one eyebrow across the ole' forehead

would be stupid enough to insult family members, coworkers,

customers, employees, bosses and managers. We repeat:

***Caution: Use these Snipes at your own risk!***



Subject: To Their Face!

You are such a hypocrite. You can't even tell the truth without lying.


You wish you were as wise as you think your wife thinks you are!


You're such an optimist that you believe the thinning out of your hair is only temporary!


I hear you built a swimming pool right next to where Noah was building his ark!


You're such a bore. You're the only person I know who can deprive me of my privacy without providing me with company!


You're the only one I know who gets offended when others talk while you're interruptin!


When people ask you what time it is, you start telling em' how to make a watch!


Well at least your stories always have a happy ending! Everybody's happy when they end!


Why is it you never get interested in anything until it's none of your business?


You spend half your time telling everybody what you're going to do, and the other half explaining why you didn't do it.


Some people think they're busy when they're only confused.


Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.


You have such an even temper - always grouchy.


Some people are so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying a little.


Some people are wise, but you're other-wise.


You stay longer in an hour than others can in one week.


Some people don't have much to say. The only trouble is, you have to wait too long to find out.


Some people get lost in thought because it's unfamiliar territory to them.


You never makes the same mistake twice. You're always able to make new ones.


You have the only kitchen in the country where flies congregate to commit suicide.


I hear she invented recycling. It's called 'leftovers.'


You're so dumb you think a myth is a female moth.


I hear fortune tellers will read your mind for half price.


The only test you ever passed was a blood test, and you had to stay up all night studying for it.


You went to the fountain of knowledge and just gargled.


If there's an idea in your head, it's in solitary confinement.


If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless.


You think you're busy...but you're really just confused!


I think you have more problems than an arithmetic book!


Why don't you do what you're good at....Sleep!


You've got a face like an unmade bed, more wrinkles than an accordion!


You've been bought and sold so often they oughtta put a barcode on you!


I hear your children are doing so badly in school, you go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!


I'd say you're a few clowns short of a circus.


I think you're a few fries short of a Happy Meal.


The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.


You're about one taco short of a combination plate.


You're a few feathers short of a whole duck.


It's safe to say you're all foam, no beer.


The cheese slid off your cracker.


You've got a body by Soloflex, brains by Mattel.


You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.


You must've fallen out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.


You have an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.


I'd say you've got too much yardage between the goal posts.




Subject: Behind Their Back


He's so lazy, he gets up at 5 am just so he'll have more time to loaf. He won't even exercise discretion! He only does what he does best...sleep.


He's so dull he couldn't entertain a doubt.


He's listed in 'Whos' Who' under 'What's that?'


He isn't a bad fellow until you get to know him.


He's one of those guys that when you first meet him you don't like him, but after you get to know him, you hate him.


He's so used to being tense, that when he's calm he gets nervous.


He's a very responsible person. Every time something goes wrong, he's responsible.


He is a steady worker. If he were any steadier, he'd be motionless.


He has a personality that lights up a room. When he walks out.


He had his head examined, but they couldn't find anything.


He changes sides more often than a windshield wiper.


Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.


Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.


His belt doesn't go through all the loops.


No grain in the silo.


Several nuts short of a full pouch.


Skylight leaks a little.


Slinky's kinked.


Surfing in Nebraska.



Subject: Full Deckisms


CPU not connected to the bus.

"Cuca fundida" (pron. 'cooka funjida'; means 'melted brain'; Brazil)

Cursor's flashing, but there's no response.

Diagnosable.

Does mental aerobics.

Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't have his shit in one sock.

Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Doesn't have all the pens in her plotter.

Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.

Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.

Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.

Doin' 30 on the freeway.

Donated her body to science... before she was done using it.

Driving with two wheels in the sand.

Dropped her second stage too soon.

Dumb as a box of mentally handicapped rocks.

Dumber than a chicken.

Dumber than a box of hair.

Dumber than a box of Mexican jewelry.

Dumber than a bag full of hammers.

Dumber than shit on a biscuit. (Appalachian accent preferred)

Echoes between the ears.

Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open.

Elevator is stuck between floors.

The eyes are open, the mouth moves but mister brain has long since departed!

Finds a flat by swapping tires.

Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention-span.

Fired retro-rockets a little late.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Fouled up as a soup sandwich.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express (fr "Barney Miller")

Got too many birds on his antenna.

Gyros are loose.

Had a head crash.

Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain

Half a quart low.

Has an ego like a black hole.

Needs another brain to make half-wit.

Nice house, not much furniture.

Nice house but nobody home.

Nine pence in the shilling.

Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.

No one at the throttle.

Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.

Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.

Not hard-docked.

Not playing with a full deck.

Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!

On a scale of e to pi, that rates about a sqrt(2).

Only playing with 51 cards.

Only playing with the jokers.

On-ramp doesn't make it to the freeway.

When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace up

his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.

Nothing between the stethoscopes.

Not running on full thrusters.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

No wind in the her mind's windmills.

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Fruity as a nutcake.

Off his rocker.

Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.

One board short of a porch

On the batting end of a no-hitter.

One Froot Loop shy of a bowl full.

One marble shy of a full deck. (confuses lotsa people!)

One shingle shy a roof.

One side short of a pentagon.

One star short of a solar system

One step short of the attic

One wave short of a shipwreck.

Only uses his brain to keep his head from caving in.

Overruns above 110 baud.

Over the Rainbow.

Paralyzed from the neck up.

That kid reminds me of Paul Revere's ride...a little light in the

belfry. (attributed to Foghorn Leghorn)

Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.

Playing baseball with a rubber bat.

Playing hockey with a warped puck.

Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.



Subject: 'Your Momma'


Your momma is so dumb, someone said it was chilly out, she

brought a bowl!


Your momma's apartment is so small, I put the key in the hole and

stabbed 5 people in the hallway!


your momma is so short, she poses for trophies!


Your momma is so dumb ,she was driving to the park and saw a sign

that said bear left, so she went home.


Your momma is so fat, she can't wear a Malcolm X jacket because

every time she bends over helicopters try to land on her back!


Your momma's apartment is so small, the front door and the back

door are on the same hinge!


Your momma's neck is so thick ,she has to step into her shirts!


Your momma is so stupid, she heard she was going to the superbowl

so she brought a spoon!



In conclusion:


We could tell you some more snipes, but what's the point? You'd only laugh at them! You must be a twin...no one person could be that stupid! We wish we could lower our IQ to have a meaninful dialogue with you. Is that your nose or are you eating a banana. We never forget a face, but in your case we're willing to make an exception. Nice talking to you...NOT! Hey, just kidding! What'sa matter, you sensitive or something? Hey, it's just a joke! Don't get so emotional. Whoa...you must've parked your head and forgot where you left it! You're angry, but you have good reason to be angry...We hear you were abandoned by wolves as a child and raised by your parents! If I could leave you with one last thought, it might be this: asdfkjas! Now get outta here, you knucklehead!

OK

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