Old humor website from 1996.  Jokes are stale, some still edible!


And now, from our Department of Public Awareness, comes:


Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

(Not attributable, since this is all over the internet galaxy, and no one has claimed to own it.


100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.

99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.

97. One Word: Hair.

96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.

95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.

94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.

93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the

consequences!!

92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.

91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.

90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.

89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.

88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.

87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."

86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.

85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.

84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale

population.

83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"

82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.

81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the

Federation.

80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively

healthy.

79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.

78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a

tactical advantage.

77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off

--even around those pesky Yeomans.

76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like

Dixon Hill.

75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.

74. One Word: Velour.

73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.

72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took

to climbing rocks.

71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly

freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of

the flagship Enterprise.

70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.

69. One Word: Iman.

68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.

67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and

shit down its neck.

66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."

65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.

64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.

63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old

janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.

61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.

60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"

59. Kirk is not politically correct.

58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy

body named after a letter of the alphabet.

57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood

Forest.

56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would

likely be dead.

55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How

about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?

54. One Word: Miniskirts.

53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.

52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red

shirts.

51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like

the trombone.

50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.

49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be

roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."

48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.

47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.

46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like

Tiberius is.

45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.

44. Picard never met Joan Collins.

43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.

42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably

millions.

41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.

40. Two Words: Line Delivery.

39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing

grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay

in Iowa to put himself through school.

38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.

37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium

nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of

his enemies. (Need we say more?)

36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.

35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.

34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.

33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks

Spock only.

32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.

31. One Word: Fisticuffs.

30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.

29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.

28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.

27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.

26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them

for resources.

25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.

24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.

23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.

22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they

met Kirk.

21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.

20. Two Words: Crane Shots.

19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into

playing it.

18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even

really cute things, like Tribbles.

17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's

really nice.

16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.

15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.

14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody

dares to call him "four eyes."

13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon

-- easily.

12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.

11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When

Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.

10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana

hammock on shore leave.

9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply

acting ensign.

8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.

7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.

6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick

5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual

object.

4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't

even impressed.

3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.

2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.

1. One Word: Balls.


***************************************************


And now, from our Ready Room to yours, here is:


Subject: How to tell if your Starship Captain is a Redneck


Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...


- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"

- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

- he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

- he paints the starship John Deere green

- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of

beans and weenies

- he sets phaser to "Cajun"


***************************************************


And now, from the Department of Alternate Universes, here is:


Subject: If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...

Author: Dave Fuller


Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,

So, Data, please, how far? How far?


Data: Our ship can get there very fast

But still the trip will last and last

We'll have two days til we arrive

But can the Indrans there survive?


Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.


LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!


Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!

Please make it so, please make it so!


Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,

We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,

The danger here is far too great!


Picard: But surely we must not be late!


Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.


Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!


Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?

Who lit the fire?


Riker: Not me.


Worf: Not me.


Picard: Computer, how long til we die?


Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.


Data: May I suggest a course to take?

We could, I think, quite safely make

Extinguishers from tractor beams

And stop the fire, or so it seems...


Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!

Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!


Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.

You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.


Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --


Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...


Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.

We understand -- we get your gist.

But can we get our ship to go?

Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.


Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires

And that's what started all the fires.


Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!

We need to go! We need to go!


Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy

And lock him up and ask him why?


Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.

I say give him problems dental.


Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?

Have scanners said that they've been found?

Or is it Borg or some new threat

We haven't even heard of yet?

I sense no malice in this crew.

Now what are we supposed to do?


Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.

They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"

I can't just sit and let them die!

A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!


Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.


Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK

HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*


Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.

He's very strong and very big.

I had my phaser set on stun --

A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!

He would not budge, he would not fall,

He would not stun, no, not at all!

He changed into a stranger form

All soft and purple, round and warm.


Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?

Did you see this creature morph?


Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.

Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.


Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!

Our troubles now are at an end!


Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly

And orbit yonder Indran sky!


Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?


Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.


Picard: Then make it so!


THE END


***************************************************


And now, from the Department of Interpretive Studies, here is:


Subject: Weird Science


Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and

essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high

school, and college students around the world.

===


"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."


"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"


"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"


"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"


"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.

Hydrogin is gin and water."


"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."


"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."


"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then

expectoration."


"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."


"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of

the bull."


"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them

perspire."


"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."


"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."


"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the

abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains

the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which

there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."


"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."


"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."


"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and

the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to

hitch meat to."


"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two

molars, and eight cuspidors."


"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends

towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a

vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight."


"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."


"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."


"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."


"Liter: A nest of young puppies."


"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."


"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."


"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."


"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."


"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."


"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative

or negative."


"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."


"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart

stops."


"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make

artifical perspiration."


"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the

hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical

doctor."


"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not

recovered, then kill it."


"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is

dead."


"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your

throat."


"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."



***************************************************

And now, from our 'If you need a reason' department, here is:

Subject: Reasons to Upgrade to WIN95'


TOP REASONS TO UPGRADE TO WINDOWS 95

You own shares in Microsoft

You're a friend of Bill's

Love that 32 bit/16 bit/2 bit operating system

Your PC has been bad and you must punish it

The suicide hotline was busy

You're a big supporter of the Computer Hardware Industry

Couldn't wait for Windows 96

Monopolies - your best friend

TOP REASON NOT TO:  It’s WINDOWS


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Truth In Advertising, here is:


Subject:Top Ten Things People Think 95 in Windows 95 Means


--------------------------------------------------

10. Percentage completed by shipping date

9. Number of floppies it ships on

8. Percentage of people who will have to upgrade hardware to run it

7. Number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of manual

6. Percentage of existing Windows programs that won't run with it

5. Number of minutes to install

4. Number of calls to tech support before you can get it to work

3. Number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade

2. MB of disk space when installed

1. mb of ram required to run



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Useful Metaphors, here is:


Subject: Microsoft and Manholes

Source: mbk@lyapunov.ucsd.edu  (Matt Kennel)


Legends have sprung up about the unusual questions that Microsoft's

recruiters sometimes seem ask during a job interview. One of them, in

particular, is ``Why are manhole covers round?'' People have chimed in with

quite a variety of logical reasons, such as the fact that round ones can't

fall in the hole or perhaps that round ones may be rolled so construction

crews may schlep them from place to place---certainly a good reason

considering their weight.


Perhaps one of the best answers, considering Microsoft's line of business,

is of course, "because manholes are round."


Now given this I was surprised to hear on the net from a now unidentifiable

source that near Microsoft headquarters, the actual manhole covers in their

streets are square!


This rather baffled me, until I saw the light. For the net's humble

amusement may I present....


Top 10 Reasons Why Microsoft's Manhole Covers are Square:


10) Shortened beta test cycle.


9) City got a special deal for bundling square manhole covers

with their manholes despite the presence of superior alternatives.


8) Microsoft Street For Windows crashes on circles. Tech support says

Chicago has them working, denies copying Apple/Cupertino's round covers.


7) Construction company had to sign non-competition agreement barring

street developers from any contact with Euclid.


6) DR-DOS found compatible with round ones.


5) They make $49 dollars on each upgrade:

Manhole Cover 1.0: the original.

Manhole Cover 1.1: turned 90 degrees.

Manhole 1.2: turned 180 degrees.

Manhole 2.0 New Technology: flipped upside down.


4) Perfect game piece for acting out those wacky

Human Minesweeper tournaments.


3) Ziff-Davis publishing pushing new mag ``Square Manhole World''.


2) To prepare for Windows Everywhere: Windows For Manhole Covers.


1) Every single circle reminds The Bill of "O"-S-2.


cheers

matt

(joke is original)


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Regional Expressiveness, here is:

Subject: If Microsoft was HQed in South Georgia

Source: "Mark J. Scheller" <scheller@NETCOM.COM 


Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South

Georgia


1.Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3.Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag

4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"

5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos

6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse

7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk

redneck yelling "Freebird!"

8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be

Achy-Breaky Heart

9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"

11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag

12.Microsoft Word would be just that: one word

13.Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.

14.New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"

15.Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

16.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

17.Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse

18.Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver

19.Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire

20.Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in

your front yard

21.Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator

22.Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

23. Redman plug'n'play interface.

24. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny

would be the one after that.

25. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program

manager.

26. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key." :-)


------------------------------

Hey, waitaminnit! I've got relatives in Georgia! Oh well, if you can't laugh at yerself,


***************************************************


And now, from the 'Pop Quiz' department, here is:


Subject: If they made toasters

Source: "Robert V. Gerds" <GERDS@XAVIER.XU.EDU &#71;&#69;&#82;&#68;&#83;<img width="11" height="12" align="absmiddle" border="0" alt=" -at- " src="../spam_vaccine/at_medium.gif">&#88;&#65;&#86;&#73;&#69;&#82;&#46;&#88;&#85;.&#69;&#68;&#85;>


If IBM made toasters ...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be

submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide

market for five, maybe six toasters.



If Microsoft made toasters ...

Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.

You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have to pay for it

anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a

reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small

city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the

first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your

toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to

find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but

nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works

with their toasters.


If Apple made toasters...

It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.


If Fisher-Price made toasters ...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast

the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.


If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every

morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service

department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for

the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files

would have an episode about it.


If the NSA made toasters ...

Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could

access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of

national security.


Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters ...

They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?


If Sony made toasters ...

Their "Personal Toasting Device", which would be barely larger than

the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently

attached to your belt.


If The Franklin Mint made toasters ...

Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your

authentic Civil War pewter toaster.


If Cray made toasters ...

They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other

single-slice toaster in the world.


If Thinking Machines made toasters ...

You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.


If Timex made toasters ...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a

licking and keep on toasting.


If Radio Shack made toasters ...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or

you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.


If K-Tel sold toaster ...

They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of

Ginsu knives with each one.


***************************************************


And now, from our 'Feeling Fluishness Department' here is:



Subject: Virus Alerts

Source: Rames Creel <rames@valley-web.com &#114;&#97;&#109;&#101;&#115;<img width="11" height="12" align="absmiddle" border="0" alt=" -at- " src="../spam_vaccine/at_medium.gif">&#118;&#97;&#108;&#108;&#101;&#121;&#45;&#119;&#101;&#98;.&#99;&#111;&#109;>

***(with some modifications and additions for this list)***



This is only for amusement, This is NOT A REAL/OFFICIAL VIRUS WARNING, if these were

real/official viruses or warnings, you would have heard a very annoying

sound and then been informed where to tune for further information.

_______________________________________________________________________________


AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're

getting.


MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much

for the AT&T virus.


CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half

with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says

that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.


BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much

of a threat. Willing to deal on how much damage it will actually do.


BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Can't decide to crash your drive or add files to your directory, but it's pleasant when you encounter it.


HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year

later, in another directory.


COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.

Secretly, you wish it would.


STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.


ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the

whole thing quits.


MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.


DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe

cant figyour outt watt!


PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it talks a lot in code and

complains loudly about foreign software. Frequently accompanies the

Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus.


RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"

from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.


RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, no matter how

new it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a

counselor about possible alternatives.


O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you

just can't prove it.


BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it.

(But that part will never work again.)


OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and

then slowly expands back to 200MB.


PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns

you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.


POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead

refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".


TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.


ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software

says everything is fine.


NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people

really mad just thinking about it.


FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little

units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be

the most important part of your computer.


GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of

their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of

error).


TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.


ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.


AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.


FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own

motherboard.


PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.


ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs,

only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural

America.


OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.


NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.


SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply,

and a set of shocks.


JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.


KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.


STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone

before.


HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and

sends you a bill for $4,500.


GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new

files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your

hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.


CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.


CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the

reviews, but you still love it


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of ComputerEase, here is:


Subject: Hacking Through The Jargon Jungle

Source: This was originally written by Bob Bringhurst, and first published in Word Perfect Magazine. Thanks to Robert Raleigh for bringing this to our attention.

=================================================

Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle


When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like

"data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately

to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the

computer industry.


Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years,

I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge

with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:


Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user

feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."


Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.

Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."


Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by

Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow

Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his

invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked.

On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format"

error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's

death, and Duffy began working for IBM.


CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.

It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel

that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286,

a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.


Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files

that you need disappear to.


Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame

on users for the program's shortcomings.


File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.

It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -

except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric

shock and tells you the file format is unknown.


Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can

be kicked or battered.


Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions.

When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate

through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from

without learning anything.


Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible

data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.


Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.


Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety,

and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.


Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts:

the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.


Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high

school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons,

and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create

"user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.


Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.

Also used to compensate for that short table leg.


Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by

estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.


User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept

that makes perfect sense to a programmer.


Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key

might break their computer.

- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer

after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.


***************************************************


And now, from our 'TypeCasting' department, here is:


Subject: You might be an Computer Engineer...

Source: My good friend Allan Russell


You might be a computer engineer...


If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If you introduce your spouse as "mylady@home.wife

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal

point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging

coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the

burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi

movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that

actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and

your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the

radio in your work area for better reception

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but

are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they

are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns

bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the

front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have

seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands

for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a

magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that

was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw

driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get

enough sleep

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain

atmospheric absorption theory

If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or

Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates - jg)

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail


***************


Editor's note:

Hey, what's that last one supposed to mean!?!

Oh well. I've got to get back to my computer, in case my wife sent me an email...



***************************************************


And now, from our department of poetic insights and 'should have bought a Mac' inflammation, here is:

Subject: The Ravin' w/ apologies to POE

Source: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU &#104;&#105;&#108;&#108;<img width="11" height="12" align="absmiddle" border="0" alt=" -at- " src="../spam_vaccine/at_medium.gif">&#77;&#65;&#82;&#89;&#87;&#79;&#79;&#68;&#49;&#46;&#77;&#65;&#82;&#89;&#87;&#79;&#79;&#68;.&#69;&#68;&#85;


THE RAVIN' or Abort, Retry, Ignore?


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,

Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.

Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,

I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,

Only this and nothing more.


Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,

Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.

"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,

Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"


Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.

The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,

From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"


With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.

But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,

Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"


I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.

I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.

Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,

Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.

Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.

Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"


There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.

The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.

Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"


To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.

What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,

Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?

But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,

You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,

Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"



***************************************************


And now, from our department of Scientific Examination, here is:

Subject: High School Science Excerpts

Source: Jay Krish <jayk@cnet.com 


Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and

essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school,

and college students around the world.


"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."


"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"


"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.

Hydrogin is gin and water."


"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."


"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."


"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then

expectoration."


"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."


"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the

bull."


"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them

perspire."


"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."


"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."


"The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the

bominable

cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and

lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are

five- a, e, i, o, and u."


"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."


"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."


"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the

outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to

hitch meat to."


"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two

molars, and eight cuspidors."


"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards

the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.

I forget where the sun joins in this fight."


"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."


"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."


"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."


"Liter: A nest of young puppies."


"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."


"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."


"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."


"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."


"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."


"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or

negative."


"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."


"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart

stops."


"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make

artifical perspiration."


"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the

hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical

doctor."


"For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,

then kill it."


"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."


"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your

throat."


"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Corrections, here is

Subject: AN ODE TO THE SPELLING CHECKER

Source: Arlene Forbes < arlene@chatpress.com


I have a spelling checker.

It came with my PC.

It plane lee marks four my revue

Miss steaks aye can know sea.


Eye ran this poem threw it,

your sure reel glad two no.

Its vary polished in it's weigh,

My checker tolled me sew.


A checker is a bless sing,

It freeze yew lodes of thyme.

It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime.


Each frays come posed uup on my screen Eye trussed to bee a joule

The checker poured o'er every word

To checque sum spelling rule.


Be fore a veiling checkers

Hour spelling mite decline,

And if were lacks or have it laps,

We wood be maid to wine.


Butt now bee cause my spelling

Is checked with such grate flare,

Their are know faults with in my cite, Of none eye am a ware.


Now spelling does knot phase me,

It does knot bring a tier.

My pay purrs awl due glad den

With wrapped words fare as hear.


To rite with care is quite a feet

Of witch won should be proud.

And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud.


Sew ewe can sea why aye dew prays

Such soft ware for pea seas,

And why I brake in two averse

By righting wants to pleas.



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Applied Science, here is:

Subject: Differences in the sciences

Source: Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV 


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.

Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.

Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.

After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A economist, computer programmer and an operations researcher were all applying for the same job. The interviewer presented them with a business problem and asked each of them to return the next day with a solution.

The economist showed up with bags under his eyes. He had obviously had a late night. In his presentation he brought up graphs and spoke about cost curves, demand and market trends. All this confused the interviewer.

The computer programmer appeared to have stayed up all night. She took out her lap top and described the computer code she had written. She even discussed the theory behind the mathematical formulas. When she ran her model it went smoothly coming up with a precise answer with a range of error and probability associated with alternative results. This confused the interviewer even more.

Finally the operations researcher came up to give his presentation. He appeared to be well rested. He did not have any charts, slides or even a computer. The interviewer was a little perplexed. The OR sat down across from the interviewer with a note pad. Then the interviewer asked if he hadcome up with a solution to the problem. The OR replied, "What do you want it to be."

The OR got the job.


***************************************************


Subject: Medical Terms 2

Source: Les Porciau


Adenoma what you say to your mother when you don't know the answer

Aerobe a garment worn around the house

Alimentary what Holmes said to Watson

Antepartum when your father's sister goes home

Atonic goes with your gin

Barium what you do with a dead patient

Benign what an eight-year-old wants to be

Bolus what psychoanalysts talk

Buccal does up your belt

Bullae is a tough guy

Carpal someone you drive to work with

Castrate market price for setting a fracture

Cauterise what the male-chauvinist registrar (hospitals) did when

he winked at a female medical student

Chiropractor an Egyptian doctor

Chorea what doctors have instead of a proper job

Cystogram a cable sent to your sister

Denial where Cleopatra used to swim

Dilate to live to a great age

Elixir what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone

Emesis a pop group with Phil Collins

Euthanasia young people from Asia

Ferritin searching for something hurriedly

Fibula a little white lie

Fundi what the Princess of Wales was before she married Charles

Fungi what Prince Charles was before Diana

Ganglia a very tall thin person

Genotype the kind of girl Gino likes

Hippocampus a medical school where even a hippo can pass

Hormone a noise from the brothel next door

Inbred best way to eat salami

Intern one after another

Migraine what a Russian farmer can at last say about his harvest

Nitrate about L15 per hour

Paradox a couple of quacks

Pasteurise too far to see

Platelet a saucer

Plerual more than one

Porphyrins financially-challenged acquaintances who borrow money

Profile the queue outside the brothel door

Protein an adolescent specialist

Psoas in order that

Rabid fast

Rectum what being up all night did to the students

Sacral holy

Sella where to keep wine

Serum what you do to steaks on the barbecue

Specimen guys who wear glasses

Streptococcus a boastful but impotent lecher

Testes small quizzes

Tolerance what you get if you give growth hormone to ants

Tumour an extra pair of something

Urinate what the nurse tells a patient inquiring his room number

Vertigo how foreigners ask for directions

Vitamin what happens when you see friends passing your door

____________________________

And now, a bonus bad (verrrrry bad) joke!

A man enters hospital for an amputation. The next day after the operation, the doctor gently wakes up the man and says "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news" the man barely croaked

"We chopped off your wrong leg, which means that you now have no legs."

"Ohh noooo! What's the good news!" he pleads

"The fella in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Mirrored Universes, here is:



Subject: Star Wars vs. Star Trek

Source: K-A <miette@AMUG.ORG 


TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS

WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

--------------------------------------------


10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) One word: Lightsabers.

6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".

1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Editor's Note: While I fundamentally disagree with this author's belief system, I've

learned from Star Trek to appreciate Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. Even

if this guy is wrong!


***************************************************


And now, from our Warm And Fuzzy Feelings Department, here is:


Subject: If Micro$oft Made Cars


Top 10 Microsoft Auto Innovations


10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.


9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.


8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads

for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run

very slowly.


7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be

replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.


6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as

reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the

roads.


5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.


4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you

bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more

seats and a new engine.


3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you

would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as

normal.


2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to

buy a new car.


And the Number 1 Microsoft Automobile Innovation is......


1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest

Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available

from other car makers for years!


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Computer Illiteracy, here is:


Subject: Redneck Computer Lingo

Source: Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET 


"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires

and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.


"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.


"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.


"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.


"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.


"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.


"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.


"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with

barnyard stuff.


"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.


"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in

order to get a free case.


"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."


"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife

and/or girlfriend.


"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon

seed across the porch longways."


"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.


"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of viral deconstruction, here is:


Subject: Goodtimes Virus Parody

Source: Mike Quigley <Mike_Quigley@mindlink.bc.ca 


> Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will

> scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will

> recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream

> goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards,

> screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field

> harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

>

> It will give your ex-boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix

> Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave

> its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It

> will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and

> hide your car keys when you are late for work.

>

> Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you

> nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and

> shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind

> your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

>

> It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such

> is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those

> things we hold most dear.

>

> It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It

> will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's

> voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and

> terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

>

> Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat

> up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then

> leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase

> gradeschooles with your new snowblower.

>

> Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.

>

> It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to

> everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone

> else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will

> turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would

> make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.

>

>

>Editors Note: If you are new to internet and email, then you may not have

> received a warning about the Good Times email virus. Trust me, eventually

> you will. It is not real, just a hoax that keeps going around and around.

> Keep this letter. You may feel like sharing it with people in the future.


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Practical Assessments, here is:

Subject: Internet Junkie Quiz


Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

2. What's a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.

3. Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day :-)

4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.

5. What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

6. To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!

8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I'm Jane!
b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What's your star sign?
c) What's your Profile?

12. If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What's your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat Private.

13. When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!

14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don't need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

15. When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

16. When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?

17. Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.

18. You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.

19. You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links,
johnsmith@aol.com

20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for
each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log
more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix
of Net and reality.

If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of shared-interest communities, here is:


Subject: Internet Light Bulb

Source: by Michael W. Barry <mikeb@mwbdesign.com 


Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take

to change a light bulb?


A: 1,331:


1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail

list that the light bulb has been changed


14 to share similar experiences of changing light

bulbs and how the light bulb could have been

changed differently.


7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.


27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about

changing light bulbs.


53 to flame the spell checkers


156 to write to the list administrator complaining about

the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness

to this mail list.


41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.


109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and

to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb


203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,

alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing

light bulbs be stopped.


111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we

are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts

**are** relevant to this mail list.


306 to debate which method of changing light

bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,

what brand of light bulbs work best for this

technique, and what brands are faulty


27 to post URLs where one can see examples of

different light bulbs


14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and

to post corrected URLs.


3 to post about links they found from the URLs that

are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs

relevant to this list.


33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote

them including all headers and footers, and then

add "Me Too."


12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing

because they cannot handle the light bulb

controversey.


19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."


4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.


1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.


47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion

was meant for, leave it here.


143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Newsgroup Navigation, here is:


Subject: Unsubscribe Instructions


Just in case someone ask you how to unsubscribe from a list, use this

for an answer, here's how to unsubscribe:


First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.

Then follow these directions.


The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on

requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating

System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be

dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have

fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X"

outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the

connection point until you feel it lock.


The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the

small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its

initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.

Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.

Activate by pressing the blue button.


The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red

release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be

adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release

button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press the

green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and

returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.


You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator .

If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator

requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy"

call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all

facilities from his control panel.


To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the

clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet

immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.

On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a

"Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be

illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the

desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe

normally.


The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless

you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When

you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.

The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro

slippers and place them in their container.


If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue

button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The

knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low,

medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.


After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by

switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If

during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings,

place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may

now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light

goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind

you.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of new age thinking, here is:

Subject: Modem Times: Maxims for the Internet Age
Source: Christa Louise

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.



***************************************************


And now, from our making scientific sense department, here is:
Subject: Scientific Jargon

The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to
understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.
>
>"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
>...I didn't look up the original reference.
>
>"IN MY EXPERIENCE"
>...Once.
>
>"IN CASE AFTER CASE"
>...Twice.
>
>"IN A SERIES OF CASES"
>...Thrice.
>
>"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
>...I think.
>
>"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
>...A couple of other guys think so too.
>
>"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
>...Wrong.
>
>"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
>...Rumor has it.
>
>"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
>FINDINGS"
>...A wild guess.
>
>"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
>...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of
>beer.
>
>"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE
>UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"...
> I don't understand it.
>
>"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
>...They don't understand it either.
>
>"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE
>QUESTIONS"
>...An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
>
>"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
> The results of the others did not make any sense.
>
>"A TREND MAY BE EVIDENT"
>...These data are practically meaningless.
>
>"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
>...This is the prettiest graph.
>
>"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
> I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
>
>"THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES"
>...He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.
>
>"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
>ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
>.. Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Schaeffer explained to me what it
>meant.
>
>"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
>...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
>
>"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
>FIELD"
>...I quit!
>
> Thanks to all the faculty and visiting professors that unknowingly
>contributed to this article.



***************************************************


And now, from our department of idiots needing labels, here is

Subject: FDA Alcohol Warnings

Source: lauren7333@aol.com 


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and

alcohol bottles, such as:


13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you

are whispering when you are not.


12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like an idiot.


11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell

the same boring story over and over again until your

friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.


10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay

shings like thish.


9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to

believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to

telephone them at 4 in the morning.


8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering

what the heck happened to your pants.


7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll

over in the morning and see something really scary

(whose species and or name you can't remember).


6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.


5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion

that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some

really, really big guy named Kerry.


4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe

you are invisible.


3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think

people are laughing WITH you.


2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in

the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes

large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".


1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of new age thinking, here is:

Subject: Modem Times: Maxims for the Internet Age
Source: Christa Louise

Modem Times -- Maxims for the Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of modern living, here is


Subject: Fun With Telemarketers

Source: katherine.chargin@fibre.com  


HAVING FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS

- Submitted by E. Lister

------------------------------------

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for

bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I

keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money

I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"


2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want

to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems

to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is

acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try

to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about

your problems.


3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him

to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask

where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions

about the company for as long as necessary.


4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name

is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a

second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are

you wearing?"


5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,

"Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you

BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as

she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.


6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and

keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most

fun if you can keep going until they hang up.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and

Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I

don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"


8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well,

how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"


9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but

necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,

"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to

marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't

give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.


10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."

You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling

from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a

group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a

policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."


11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you

their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not

allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number

and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most

effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says,

"Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you

know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)


***************************************************

Idiot Sightings



Source: nandbnd@mail.montana.com 


Sighting #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled

and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."


Sighting #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"


Sighting #3:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.


Sighting #4:

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.


Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.


Sighting #6 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"


Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Individual: How do you spell that?


Sighting # 8


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey, "I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of P.C. Soft Wear, here is

Subject: INSTALLING LOVE

Source: Unknown


Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?


CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?


CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.


CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?


CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?


CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?


CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?


CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?


CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others. Customer: So what should I do?


CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.


CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.


CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITICEXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!


CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?


CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

Editor's Note: For P.C.s only. Mac users come with Love pre-installed.


***************************************************
















































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