Old humor website from 1996.  Jokes are stale, some still edible!

And now, a short history of medicine:


I have an ear ache.

2000 B.C.E. - Here, eat this root.

1000 C.E. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 C.E. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 C.E. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1965 C.E. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

1999 C.E. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.’’


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Public Health Awareness, here is:

Subject: Top 10 Cigarette Warnings Tobacco Executives Woule Like To See



10. Medical studies have proven you can still live with only one lung.


9. Most forms of cancer are treatable; at least for a while.


8. This is only one of hundreds of products that are slowly killing

you.


7. Smoking does not affect the fetuses of women who aren't pregnant.


6. Refusing to inhale drastically reduces risk of lung cancer.


5. Go ahead and drive or operate heavy machinery. It's perfectly

fine.


4. Secondhand smoke only affects those who might breath it.


3. Cigarettes don't kill, matches do.


2. Nicotine is not addictive because you know you could quit if you

really wanted to.


and the number one cigarette warning tobacco executives

would like to see...


1. There have been no medical tests to conclusively prove smoking is

a teeth-staining, smelly, pukey habit. And we're not all that

ready to concede the tumor-causing part either.


***************************************************


Now, from  our Department of Public Health & Safety' and in the interests of the common good, here are the:


Subject: Signs you have a drinking problem


-----------------------------------------------


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.


You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.


Job interferring with your drinking.


Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.


Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.


The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.


24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!


Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!


When you can focus better with one eye closed.


The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.


Every person you see has an exact twin.


You fall off the floor...


Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.


Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, heck with dinner!


The glass keeps missing your mouth!


Your local politician starts to make sense.


Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]


At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."


Your idea of cutting back is less salt.


You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell

asleep clothed. - hmm.


The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...


You think the Three Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,and Alcohol


You're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more

attractive.


Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.


I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!


Roseanne looks good.


Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.


That damned pink elephant followed me home again.


Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.


You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.


I'm as jober as a sudge.


You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the

Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.


You've fallen and you can't get up.


Hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle


BeerTender! Get me another Bar!


***************************************************


From our Geriatricks <not a mispelling> department, here is:


----------------------------------------------

Subject: You Know You're Getting Older When

Source: Unknown

-----------------------------------

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a

second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine

cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of Mental Health, here are:


Subject:  The Warning Signs of Insanity

Source:  Unknown

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

   * Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and

     then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

   * Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that

     you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

   * You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

   * You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends

     you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

   * Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve

     yourself on it.

   * You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of

     evil dandruff spirits.

   * You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for

     setting fire to his lawn decorations.

   * Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

   * People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

   * Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

   * You laugh out loud during funerals.

   * Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you

     through that scuba mask.

   * You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've

     stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one

     day seek revenge.

   * You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

   * Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your

     little illusion.

   * You collect dead windowsill flies.

   * Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its

     wings!"

   * You like cats. Especially with mayo.


   * You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

   * You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

   * You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they

     weren't rescued.

   * You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

   * Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

   * You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

   * You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the

     middle of your front lawn.

   * Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on

     it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

   * Melba toast excites you.

   * When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to

     tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

   * You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

   * You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for

     a few minutes.

   * Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

   * Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

   * You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala

     or to be loved by an infectious disease.

   * You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and


     pretend that you're a stalk.

   * You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

   * You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

   * People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a

     violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

   * You like reading lists like this.



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of 'Fix it? Heck, find out how it works!' , here is:

Subject: RULES for DEPRESSION

==================================================================

RULES for DEPRESSION

1. Try to be PERFECT.

2. Be very critical of any mistakes or failures you might make.

3. Do what you SHOULD do, even if it is not what you want to do.

4. Always do what you are supposed to be doing.

5. Make other persons happy at any cost to yourself.

6. Work hard at pleasing your most severe critic.

7. Know that if you don't please, the other will reject or leave you.

8. Never make a mistake

9. Live alone and have few friends.

10. Keep your failures, mistakes, errors and faults to yourself.

Never let anyone know of them, because you never want anyone

to know how bad you really are. Keep your secrets personal.

11. FEAR the future, because you know it will turn out bad.

12. WORRY about how bad it will be.

13. With such an awful future, try to be in control as much as possible.

Knowing you are not in self control, seek to control other and events.

14. Knowing how you really are inside, your secret self, never listen

to or accept praise or compliments. They will just make you big headed

and egotistical.

15. Recognize the true importance of a negative interpretation and be

certain to always emphasize the negative, and generalize it to

yourself whenever possible.

16. Avoid any awareness of how your negativeness affects others. You

have an important role to fulfill for them, and they need your realistic

balance.


***************************************************


Pi R Square? No! Pie R Round-Cornbread R Square!


***************************************************


And now, from our 'Vegetables are good for you!' department, here's a little humor you all might relish...

Subject: Life in the Slaw Lane



It was Cucumber the 1st. Summer was over. I had just spinached

a long day and I was busheled. I'm the kind of guy that works

hard for his celery, and I don't like telling you I was feeling

a bit wilted. But I didn't carrot all, because, otherwise, things

were vine. I try never to dasparagus, and I don't sweat the truffles.

I'm outstanding in my field, and I know that something good will

turnip eventually.


A bunch of things were going grape, and, soon, I'd be top banana.

At least, that's my peeling. But that's enough corn -- lend me

your ear, and lettuce continue.


After dressing, I stalked over to the grain station. I got there

just in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed towards the

core of Appleton, a lentle more than a melon and a half yeast of

Cloveland.


No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rutaBaga. Passing

my usual stop, I got avoCado. I haled a passing Yellow Cabbage

and told the driver to cart me off to Broccolin. I was going to

meet my brother across from the EggPlant, where he had a job at

the Saffron station pumpkin gas.


As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam. He told me

his wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches -- a soiled

but radishing beauty with huge gourds (my brother had always been

a chestnut). But I could never figure out why she picked him.

He was a skinny little stringbean who'd always suffered from

Cerebral Parsley -- it was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to

weed it out, but the problem still romained. He was used to having

a tough row to hoe, but it irrigated me to see Arte-choke, and it

bothered my brother to see his marriage go to seed.


Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of growing to do. Shore,

they had sown their wild oats, but just barley, if you peas.

Finally, Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip

to your chive, and if you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm

going to leaf you for Basil, you fruit!" He said he didn't realize

it had kumquat so far. Onion other hand, even though Peaches could

be the pits, I knew she'd never call the fuzz.


So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the MushRoom. Let's walk

over." He said, "That's a very rice place! That's the same little

bar where alfalfa my wife." When we got there, I pulled up a

cherry and tried to produce small talk. I told him I hadn't seen

Olive; not since I'd shelled off for a trip to Macadamia, when

I told her we cantaloupe -- the thyme just wasn't ripe. She

knew what I mint!


When we left the MushRoom, we were pretty well juiced. I told

Arte to say hello to the boysenberry, and that I'd orange to

see him another time.


Well, it all came out in the morning peppers: Arte caught Peaches

that night with Basil, and Arte beet Basil bad, leaving him with

two beautiful acres. Peaches? She was found in the garden --

she'd be pruned.


Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes.

Me? Idaho. My name? Wheat. My friends call be `Kernel'.

And that's life in the slaw lane. Thank you so mulch.


It's a garden out there!


-Kip Adota

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(the chorus, which is inserted a few times, is sung by his regular back-up

singers. It goes:


Life in the Slaw Lane

They say plants can't feel no pain

Life in the Slaw Lane

I've got news for you -- they're just as frail as you.)


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Interpersonal Communication, here is:


Subject: Multiple Kisses.

Source: Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu  


Dear Doctor Rude


I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you

explain to me the difference between the following kisses?


1. Aristotelian kiss

2. Hegelian kiss

3. Wittgensteinian kiss

4. Godelian kiss


Signed,

Flummoxed in Florida



Dear Flummoxed,


That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on

secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed

to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear

summary of some of these important types of kisses:



Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely

from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data

by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.


Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates

its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.


Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is

that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental

representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which

must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for

obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even

similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than

the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make

unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience

thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.


Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet

leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.


Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other

classic kisses:


Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be

the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however,

compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander

around a lot more and cover more ground.


Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is

performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't

actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it

the best kiss you've ever given or received.


Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to

transform you but ends up just bugging you.


Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even

though it really doesn't matter anyway.


Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and

tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even

though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.


Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.


Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear

that others would find out about them and start using them.


Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:

"I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as

Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt

that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded

movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder

overall.)


Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the

less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the

more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme

versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because

the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if

you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,

that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy

them.


Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust

stronger."


Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.


Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who

would not kiss him or her.


Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.


Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never

actually touch.


Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique

that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it,

especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the

lips.


Doctor Rude

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu 

May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a

noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Mental Health, here is:

Subject: The Psychiatric Hotline


Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of 'Whatever Happened to ole' So and So?' here is:


Subject: No One Really Dies, They Just...


Mini Table of Contents

1) Introduction

2) PS

3) THE LIST


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

INTRODUCTION

------------


We all know that no one really dies, they just have something happen to

them in a rather final manner.


To find out what will happen to you in a few years, read on.


THE LIST


OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just loose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off

OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away

OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away

OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away

OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out

OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes

OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose

OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust

OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it!

(c)opyright 1986 AIR COURIERS INTERNATIONAL Vancouver, BC

OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory

OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged

OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire

OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop

OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board

OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring

OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience

OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings

OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet

OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold

OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed

OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away

OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool

OLD FROGS never die, they just croak

OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls

OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez

OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away

OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way

OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED

OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over

OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed

OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out

OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate

OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs

OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves

OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate

OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar

OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed

OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot

OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home

OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off

OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane

OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain

OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out

OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip

OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses

OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse

OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse

OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail

OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away

OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"

OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise

OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals

OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt

OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles

OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision

OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away

OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around

OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole

OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick

OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade away

OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in

OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper

OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-off

OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL

OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class

OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state

of maximum entropy

OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities

OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt

OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind

OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever

OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged

OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation


There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics,

but their future is doubtful


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Modern Health Care, here is:

Subject: In the Age of Cost Cutting...


The following "memo" was received via FAX in our Medical Records Department from a Spokane hospital...


MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff

FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper

SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures


Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each

charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of

ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In

addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling

of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for

patrolling the park areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring

equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The

unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.


Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to

let their families now to bring something, or may make arrangements with

Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls

the patient may wish to make.


Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Familiar and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.


As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.


Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the

TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be

checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.


Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.


Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.


In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.


In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of

unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,

patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute

discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the

pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will

also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will,

coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.



***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Weariness, here is:


Subject: Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness


* "I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."

* "Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."

* "Blink once for 'yes'".

* "What do you mean we have the wrong patient ?"

* "Why is there a tag on his toe ?"

* "Do you think he can hear us ?"

* "I didn't even know a human could bend that way."

* "I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anthesia."

* "Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."

* "Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

* "Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards ?"

* "Of course I've performed this operation before Nurse !"

* "Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down."

* "It'll make a great 'ER' script."


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Medical Psychology, here is:


Subject: What doctors say, and what they're really thinking



"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and

profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more

time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--

I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,

you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.


"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

I think I'm going to throw up.


"This may smart a little."

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?


"This should fix you up."

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.


"Everything seems to be normal."

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve

this one.


"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink

who'll split fees with me ...


"There is a lot of that going around."

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something

about this.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."

I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next

week.


***************************************************


And now, from our department of stress and stability, here is:


Subject: 10 Signs You're Too Stressed


1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that

you should get some rest.

2. You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up.

3. Trees begin chasing you.

4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution

of espresso.

6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of

coffee.

7. You and Reality file for a divorce.

8. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

9. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

10. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into

a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of

the night.



***************************************************



And now, from our Department of Wishful Thinking, here is:


Subject: How To Lose Weight Without Exercise


Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities

and the number of calories per hour they consume.


Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Throwing your weight around

(depending on your weight). . . .50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750

Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6

Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2


And remember:

If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end

across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.


***************************************************



And now, from our department of Managed Care, here is:

Subject: Mananged Friendship Plan

Welcome to (INSERT YOUR COMPANY) Managed Friendship,
a whole new way of looking at friends and relationships at work.

With all the recent mergers and buyouts, it is difficult for most
people to determine who their real friends are anymore. The Managed
Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional
friendship network with company-approved representation and important
cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met
by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from
a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from
your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a
Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met
our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only
in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?

You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Gossiping
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand
- Joshing
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Partying
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Ribbing
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Slinging the bull
- Teasing

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not
limited to):

- Babysitting
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Giving expensive gifts
- Lending money
- Sexual favors
- Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?

We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

***************************************************


You knew it was inevitable. Now, from our department of 'Pills for what ails ya', here is:

NEW MEDICINE FOR MEN
- Submitted by K. Lawson
------------------------------------
With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual
prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards
improving the performance of men in today's society..
Here are a few of the new ones:
****

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing
new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gasesback
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other
people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.


***************************************************


And now, from our 'Charting the Trends' department, here is

Subject: Medical Chart Funnies


The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent

review of medical records. These statements were written by various

health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at

several major hospitals:


"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."


"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the

pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."


"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."


"The skin was moist and dry."


"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."


"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989

when she got a divorce."


"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran

out of gas and crashed."


"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy."


"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who

is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."


"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los

Angeles."


"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."


"She is numb from her toes down."


"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."


"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."


"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as

stockbroker instead."


"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."


"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."


"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family

in no distress."

***************************************************


And now, from our department of 'They're looking out for us, right?', here is

Subject: Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act



WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.


The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its

passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions

of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.


"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do

not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for

themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their

lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end

busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates

for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that

nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the

American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."


Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million

important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the

white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory

sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.


The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire

nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.


Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new

measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning

prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills

that would make you an asset to this company?"


"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up

with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz,

who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile

wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law

should really help people like me."


With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and

millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light

at the end of the tunnel.


Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,

to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack

of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."



And now, from our Department of Medical Insights, here is

Subject: Mangled Healthcare Q & A

Source: Doctor Em <DoctorEm@aol.com 


Q. What does "HMO" really stand for?

A. The popular idea that "HMO" stand for "horrible medical

organization" is untrue. It is actually a corruption of the phrase "Hey,

Moe!" often shouted out by patients at Dr. Moe Howard during his early

research on pain. Dr. Howard was the first to discover that a patient could be

made to forget about the pain in his foot if her were poked hard enough in the

eyes. Modern health plans have discovered that voice mail,

pre-certification, gatekeeper doctors and referral slips are equally

effective.


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No, only those you need.


Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I

want?

A. Just slightly more difficult that choosing your parents. The HMO will

provide you with a book listing all the doctors that were participating in the

plan at the time the information was gathered several years ago. Aside from

those doctors who have died, retired or left the state, the listings should

fall into one of two categories. Those doctors who are no longer accepting

new patients and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.

You should call your HMO voice

mail for further instructions.


Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to

talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with

it.


Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You will need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q. My pharmacy plan covers only generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I

tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.


Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.


Q. I think I need a specialist, but my gatekeeper doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a GP really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.


Q. Will HMO health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by

then.


***************************************************


And now, from our Department of Nutritional NonSense, here is:

Subject: The Non-Stress Diet

 

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that normally builds up during the day.


* Breakfast

o 1/2 Grapefruit

o 1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry

o 8 oz. Skim Milk

* Lunch

o 4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast

o 1 cup Steamed Spinach

o 1 cup Herb Tea

o 1 Oreo Cookie

* Mid-Afternoon Snack

o Rest of the Oreos in the package

o 2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream

o 1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce

o Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

* Dinner

o Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese

o Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza

o 4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer

o 3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Rules For This Diet

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no

calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the

candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you

don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate,

brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the

entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example:

Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie

causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not

strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie

counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off

knives and spoons has no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife

and ice cream on a spoon.

10. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are

spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.





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