>And now, from our Department of Insight and Understanding, here is:
Subject: Universal Resume Translator
Source: Jim Moore Jr <
>
"I know how to deal with stressful situations":
I'm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
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"I am able to take the time to interact well":
I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
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"I have strong communication skills":
I talk too much.
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"I'm proud of my organizational skills":
I love to tell other people what to do.
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"I'm extremely adept at all manner of complex office organization":
I've used Microsoft Office some.
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"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable":
I only pilfer office supplies.
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"My pertinent work experience includes":
To say nothing of all the McJobs I've had.
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"I take pride in my work":
I blame others for my mistakes.
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"I'm balanced and centered":
I keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
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"I have a good sense of humor":
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
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"I'm personable and interested in others":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
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"I'm willing to relocate":
I've just been evicted again.
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"I have a stable personal life":
Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
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"I'm extremely professional":
I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
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"My background and skills match your requirements":
At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone.
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"I am adaptable":
I've changed jobs a lot.
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"I am always on the go":
I'm never at my desk.
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"I'm highly motivated to succeed":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
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"I have formal training":
My probation officer says I'm a natural student.
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"I interact well with all co-workers":
All those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
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"I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience":
I'm always making personal telephone calls.
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"I look forward to hearing from you soon":
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form
letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in
my future career.
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