And now, from our Department of Objective Reporting, here is:


Subject: Obvious Headlines

Source: and


Actual News Headlines


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers


Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted


Farmer Bill Dies in House


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?


Stud Tires Out


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands


Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms


Eye Drops off Shelf


Teacher Strikes Idle Kids


Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead


Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim


Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66


Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax


Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told


Miners Refuse to Work after Death


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant


Stolen Painting Found by Tree


Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies


Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years


Drunken Drivers Paid $1000


`84 War Dims Hope for Peace


If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge


Deer Kill 17,000


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy


Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire


British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply


Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood


Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


New Vaccine May Contain Rabies


Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing


Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing


Air Head Fired


Steals Clock, Faces Time


Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff


Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni


Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction


Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training


Include your Children when Baking Cookies



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