And now, from our Department of Objective Reporting, here is:

 

Subject: Obvious Headlines

Source: and RuthAdele@aol.com

 

Actual News Headlines

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

 

Farmer Bill Dies in House

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 

Stud Tires Out

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

 

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

 

Eye Drops off Shelf

 

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

 

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

 

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

 

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

 

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

 

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

 

`84 War Dims Hope for Peace

 

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

 

Deer Kill 17,000

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

 

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

 

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

 

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

 

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

 

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

 

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

 

Air Head Fired

 

Steals Clock, Faces Time

 

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

 

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

 

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

 

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

 

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

 

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