Subject: What Men Really Mean
Source: Michelle Montee <
>WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by
in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger
wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate,
swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long
as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the
table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely
nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest
of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a
cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my
stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how
it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the
remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every
picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing
to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the
smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really
means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast
cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I
can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a
decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme
song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart
to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I
have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in
the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure
hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought
new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make
my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up
outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually
get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I
am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to
the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night
at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will
ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans
them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you
more than my truck."
"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my
empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh,
man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to
nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long
enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that
doesn't have a drive-thru window."
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