And now, from the Department of Parents say the Darnedest Things, here is:

Subject: A father's speech to his child
Source: David Weintraub < >

I just finished reading "Lake Wobegon Days" by Garrison Keillor. In one
part, he has a story about a kid who came home from college and smashed up
his father's car. Garrison refers to the speech his father gave him as
"a speech he had heard on other occations". However, in the footnotes,
Garrison Keillor gives an out line of the speech:

I. I don't know what's wrong with you.
A. I never saw a person like you.
1. I wasn't like that.
2. Your cousins don't pull stuff like that.
B. It doesn't make sense.
1. You have no sense of responsibility at all.
2. We've given you everything we possibly could.
a. Food on the table and a roof over your head.
b. Things we never had when we were your age.
3. And you treat us like dirt under your feet.
C. You act as if:
1. The world owes you a living.
2. You got a chip on your shoulder.
3. The rules don't apply to you.
II. Something has got to change and change fast.
A. You're diving your mother to a nervious breakdown.
B. I'm not going to put it with this for another minute.
1. You're crazy if you think I am.
2. If you think I am, just try me.
C. You're setting a terrible example for your younger brothers
and sisters.
III. I'm your father and as long as you live in this house you'll--
A. Do as you're told, and when I say "now", I mean "now".
B. Pull your own weight.
1. Don't expect other people to pick up after you.
2. Don't expect breakfast when you get up at noon.
3. Don't come around asking your mother for spending money.
C. Do something about your disposition.
IV. If you don't change your tune pretty quick, then you're out of here.
A. I mean it.
B. Is that understood.
1. I can't hear you. Don't mumble.
2. Look at me.
C. I'm not going to tell you this again.

Look familiar? Maybe next time we have to give our kids "a good talking
to", we can just hand them this outline and say, "Here, read this.",
then go upstairs and take a nice hot bath.

Barum-bum! <--Back