Excuses, excuses, excuses! That's all we hear anymore! Well, if you're running out of excuses, we're happy to provide you with a handy dandy one stop forum! Next time someone asks why you're not coming in to work today, try one of these!

Disclaimer: We're kidding, of course. Don't make excuses!

And now, from our Department of Reasons, Explanations and Justifications, here is:

Subject: Why I can't make it to work today..
Source: "Engel, bennett" < >

(authors unknown)

--If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean
all the guns today.

--When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

--I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit
the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the
snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

--My stigmata's acting up.

--I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

--I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

--I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

--Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for

--Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

--I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false

--The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

--The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

--I prefer to remain an enigma.

--My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her
to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace. One day should do it.

--I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter

--I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

--I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

--I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

--I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Pretty good, huh? But wait, there's more!

Subject: Reasons I came to work late
From: Jennifer Schmidt < >

Reasons I came to work late

Couldn't get out of the shower until I finished singing all parts in "The
Phantom of the Opera."
I tied my shoelaces together again, and it really slows down my walking pace.
My private jet crashed in the Andes.
I had a bad headache and checked myself into the hospital where I was later
pronounded dead.
Spilled coffee on myself 37 times.
Had to water my special tree or it won't speak to me when I get home.
I hate my job.
I was halfway to work when had to go back home, it seems I wasn't finished
Damn near walked in wearing my fuschia go-go girl outfit. Good thing I
didn't do that again.
I'm late this morning because I left early yesterday.

by Jennifer Schmidt :)


We're just getting warmed up!

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