Source: "Carl Hangee-Bauer,ND,LAc" <
>Subject: Goodbye Telemarketers!
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I
keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other
money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just
listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell
them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set
the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long
that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one
seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica
is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they
try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling
about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to
spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask
where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions
about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a
second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what
are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you
from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the
most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how
about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the
weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to
employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you
their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not
allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most
effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person
says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya!
Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)