And now, from our Department of Family Health, here is:
Subject: The Parenting Test
Source: Randall Woodman < >
"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a
test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And
not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of
vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who
walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are
you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the
90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on
our own papers, people.
THE PARENTING TEST
Section One --- Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
1] I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2] ... and this time I really mean it.
3] Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4] See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5] Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6] One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7] Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8] Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9] Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10] Okay ... but only five more minutes.
Section Two -- Fill in the Blank
Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
1] Tickle Me ____________.
2] 101 _________________.
3] The Berenstain _________.
4] Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5] _______________ Nuggets.
6] _______________ Meals.
7] Please won't you be my _____________?
Section Three -- Matching
Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per
A] Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of
B] Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters,
but since adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants
OR that which is placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C] A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's
D] A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E] A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be
necessary for a few more weeks.
Section Four -- Problem Solving
Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
1] It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2] She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3] You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this?
4] At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman manuevers, how will this be done?
Section Five -- Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -
Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?"
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