>Subject: How to Write a Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with you friend from
class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both
walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your
friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those
irritating see-thre plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you
can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape ond that's it, I mean it, as
soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacker, the course, the
university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12
hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon,
is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler's Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thing about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28.Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to
write the damn paper.
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