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HUMOR
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of
their hands.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses
every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test
telex/two communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and
purple.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on
the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -
Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after
the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was
actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to
the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from
those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime
scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.
***SPEAKING OF JOKES - INTERNET JUNKIE WARNING SIGNS***
You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when .......
1. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy -- for
a year!!!!!"
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on
it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead
of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your
ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
18. "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain
special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
____________________________________
HUMOR
.FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going the
wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability
to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from >many
is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above >your
principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Some Actual Signs:
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss
a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks
can eat any place they want."
-
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"... >>
You know you've worked in the 90's when:
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for
3 different organizations.
Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on the news.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are
higher than all the developing countries' gross national
products combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having
problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a
check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "working
with computers".
Your business cards are no longer correct just one
month after you receive them.
You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in
your desk drawer.
You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic
device.
During any outside-of-work event that vaguely
resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber
your family members.
"Shopping" is something you do in the duty-free.
You must fill in your own job performance evaluations
and target goals because no one else really knows what
you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was
outsourced last month.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost
your best jokes.
You read this entire list and understood it.