Subject: Star Trek with Dilbert Mgmt Principles
Source: Gwendolyn E Eckman <
>What the 24th century would be like under today's management
techniques.
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's
record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.
Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star
Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods
and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer
interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel
disability claims.
The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with
Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version
of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered
to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life
forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is
introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties
Using No-longer-produced Shows).
Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training
after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the
Ferengis, the Q, and the Romulans.
A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's
counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing
weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were
conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance
reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times,
they're still only getting 3% raises.
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