And now, from our Department of Politics as Usual, here is:
Subject: CYNICAL POLITICAL DEFINITIONS
CRISIS: Any situation you want to change.
TERRORISM: Strategic action by losers to spoil winner's victory party.
COMPASSION: The use of tax money to buy votes.
INSENSITIVITY: Objections to the use of tax money to buy votes.
GOVERNMENT: Having rich people give money and jobs to Democrats.
MILITARY: Having middle class people give money and jobs to Republicans.
POLICE: Having poor people pay to have someone "beat the shit out them."
SIMPLISTIC: An argument you disagree with but can't answer.
REHABILITATION: Magic word said before releasing criminals.
DEMONSTRATION: A riot by people you agree with.
MOB VIOLENCE: A riot by people you disagree with.
A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE: A political controversy involving the convictions of
AN EMOTIONAL ISSUE: A political controversy involving the convictions of
FUNDING: Money from the government.
COMMITMENT: More money from the government.
FEDERAL BUDGET: A work of fiction about government spending.
DEFICIT: If your party is out-of-power it is the nation's biggest problem
and if you are in-power, it is a necessary economic stimulus.
POLICY RESEARCH: Looking for statistics to support the position you have
A PROUD PEOPLE: Chauvinists you like.
BIGOTS: Chauvinists you don't like.
PUBLIC INTEREST GROUP: Politically organized liberals.
SPECIAL INTEREST LOBBY: Politically organized conservatives
LABOR REFORM: An attempt by the Mafia to get into legitimate businesses.
TEAMSTERS: An attempt by Republicans to get into illegitimate businesses.
CAMPAIGN REFORM: An attempt by politicans to make it impossible for their
opponents to fund a campaign.
WHITE MALES: The most oppressed social group in America.
BLACK MALES: The greatest threat to white males.
GRIDLOCK: Republican philosophy of governing.
GOOD GOVERNMENT: An oxymoron with the benefit of alliteration.
BAD GOVERNMENT: The result of letting Politicians win elections.
CONTRACT WITH AMERICA: Republican plan to prove that government doesn't work.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN: Clinton rhetoric which numbs the dumb.
JOURNALISM: The art of simplifying the complex and exaggerating the trivial.
EDUCATION: Proof positive that government can do some things more econo-
mically than private enterprise.
STRAW POLL: GOP fund-raising technique.
CAUCUS ELECTION: Where machines bring voters to vote for losers.
PRIMARY ELECTION: Where voters use machine to vote for a winner who will
OPINION POLL: A sociologist's idea of an election.
UNOPPOSED CANDIDATE: An officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign
CONVENTION: Four day circuses where Republicans shout through their snouts
and Democrats show their asses.