And now, from our Department of Interpersonal Communication, here is:

Subject: Multiple Kisses.

Source: Trygve Lode ( )

Dear Doctor Rude

I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you

explain to me the difference between the following kisses?

1. Aristotelian kiss

2. Hegelian kiss

3. Wittgensteinian kiss

4. Godelian kiss


Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed,

That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on

secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed

to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear

summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely

from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data

by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates

its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is

that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental

representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which

must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for

obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even

similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than

the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make

unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience

thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet

leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other

classic kisses:

Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be

the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however,

compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander

around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is

performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't

actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it

the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to

transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even

though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and

tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even

though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new

and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear

that others would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:

"I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as

Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt

that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded

movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder


Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the

less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the

more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme

versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because

the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if

you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,

that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy


Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust


Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who

would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never

actually touch.

Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique

that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it,

especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the


Doctor Rude


The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode ( )

May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a

noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.


Barump-bump! Back to Laughter Index