And now, from our department of Mental Health, here are:

Subject:  The Warning Signs of Insanity
Source:  Unknown
   * Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
     then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
   * Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
     you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
   * You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
   * You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
     you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
   * Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
     yourself on it.
   * You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
     evil dandruff spirits.
   * You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
     setting fire to his lawn decorations.
   * Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
   * People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
   * Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
   * You laugh out loud during funerals.
   * Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
     through that scuba mask.
   * You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
     stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
     day seek revenge.
   * You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
   * Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
     little illusion.
   * You collect dead windowsill flies.
   * Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
   * You like cats. Especially with mayo.

   * You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
   * You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
   * You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
     weren't rescued.
   * You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
   * Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
   * You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
   * You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
     middle of your front lawn.
   * Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
     it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
   * Melba toast excites you.
   * When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
     tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
   * You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
   * You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
     a few minutes.
   * Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
   * Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
   * You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
     or to be loved by an infectious disease.
   * You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and

     pretend that you're a stalk.
   * You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
   * You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
   * People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
     violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
   * You like reading lists like this.

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