Subject: Humor: Web Browser War
Source: Randall Woodman < >


Sept. 2, 2012

(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396 or higher.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda (P-Utah)
today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft and
Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the
ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American
economy of its vitality.

In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate,
Noorda, once a key figure in the information technology industry,
claimed American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading
new browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls
that they no longer have time to produce anything of value or to
consume products. "We have been transformed from a nation of thinkers
and doers to a nation of downloaders worried about whether we are
keeping up with the technological Joneses," Noorda said.

Noorda's comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407
of its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM
radio from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta
trial, while versions 408, 409, 410 and 411 are in development.
Microsoft, which has been criticized of late for slipping behind
Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver Version 405 of its
Internet Explorer "before the next major religious holiday," though
company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which religion the
company was referring to. Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books'
bestselling "Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies", said the continuing
instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of
new applications. "How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51
days?" asked Gibbs. "The only apps being developed now are crossword
puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets."

According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC
user now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited
the usefulness of the desktop machine because each "browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository" consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if
the touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use
of at least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
"There is no capacity left to run any other application," said IDC
Chief Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. "Our PCs, in essence, are
simply containers for browsers."

In the late 1990's, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data
housed on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet
device died with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which
cracked the 800M byte storage requirement and supported some 257,462
ActiveX, DirectDraw, VB, DirectX, VisualX++ and InActiveX Controls.

"It's a shame, really," said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who
was a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. "We
could have been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun
intended. But Bill outmanuevered us again," added "Big Larry"
Ellison, who now runs the Used Cars 'R' Us operation on the Auto Mile
in Redwood City, Calif.

In response to Noorda's call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web

"We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter of whether
development should continue on Web browsers and servers."

Back to laughter index