And now, from our Department of Special Effectiveness, here is:
Subject: Surprises in the Star Wars Special Edition
From: < >
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
As you know the Second Coming is Upon Us. Yes, STAR WARS is back
in the movie theaters. This year, ALN19 (that's Anno Lucasini Noster or 'in the year of Our Lucas'), is the most sacred moment since ALN1. Once again we are able to view THE MOVIE, THE SOURCE OF ALL WISDOM on the big screen where it belongs and be RENEWED IN THE FORCE.
But, yea though this be true, there are non-believers amongst us! Some snide, sinister, cynic is circulating the following heretical tract. Be warned, be wary!
Yours in The Force,
****************** NOT MY MATERIAL *******************
STAR WARS SURPRISES
-Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner
-Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
-Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas
-Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy
-Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
-Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"
-Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather
-Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
-New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons
-New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
-He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
-Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
-Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
-The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
-Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
-C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
-Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
-New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
-Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
-Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
-During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
-Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
-The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
-Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
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