And now, from our Department of Consumer Protection, here is:
Subject: Micro$oft Product-Announcement Template
Source: Joshua Ostroff < >
MICRO$OFT ANNOUNCES <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to <INSERT M$'S LAME IDEA ABOUT WHAT USERS NEED>, Microsoft announced today that <INSERT M$'S LAME ANSWER TO LAME IDEA>.
"<DUMB QUOTE FROM A M$ EMPLOYEE ABOUT HOW USERS WILL `BENEFIT' FROM THIS NEW M$ APPLICATION>" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it "bold and innovative!" "This new <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will free Windows users from <SOME BUG OR MISSING FEATURE WHICH IS M$'S FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE>. It also gives Windows a new feeling of <SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS FALL ASLEEP>", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE APPLICATION'S NAME> is failing in the marketplace -- they have failed to deliver an <ENTER FEATURE THAT ONLY A BUSINESS-MAJOR-TURNED-COMPUTER-JOURNALIST COULD DREAM UP>."
When asked when <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "<INSERT CONVOLUTED QUOTE THAT CONVINCES THE USER THAT THE APPLICATION WILL BE RELEASED SOON OR EVEN YESTERDAY, BUT DOESN'T COMMIT TO ANY SPECIFIC DATE>." The spokesperson also added, "It really doesn't matter since <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> is destined to be the most <INSERT GLORIFIED PRAISE FOR NON- EXISTENT APPLICATION AND BE SURE TO MENTION HOW IT WILL BE 'POWERFUL' AND WILL 'DOMINATE THE WORLD
Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "<INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> has already revolutionized the industry."
A spokesperson from <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that don't exist. <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> has been shipping <INSERT COMPETING PRODUCT THAT IS UNHEARD OF THANKS TO M$ MASS-MARKETING TECHNIQUES> since <INSERT DATE FROM PRE-HISTORY (SEE JURASSIC PARK FOR EXAMPLES)>. <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>, or whatever it's called, still relies on DOS's <INSERT STUPID PART OF INSIPID DOS OPERATING SYSTEM> and is not a true <INSERT LATEST COMPUTER JARGON FOR _MODERN_>." He added that "users who think that <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will have no problems will be in for a surprise."
Most users appear to remain unconvinced however. "<INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will <INSERT A NONSENSE LIST OF THINGS ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS HAS HAD SINCE THE ENIAC> and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE APPLICATION'S NAME> which is less than perfect, when <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> is right around the corner?"
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