And now, from our department of Managed Care, here is:
Subject: Mananged Friendship Plan
Source: Forwarded by (Jacqueline L Lowell)
The New Managed Friendship Plan
Welcome to (INSERT YOUR COMPANY) Managed Friendship,
a whole new way of looking at friends and relationships at work.
With all the recent mergers and buyouts, it is difficult for most
people to determine who their real friends are anymore. The Managed
Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional
friendship network with company-approved representation and important
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met
by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from
a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from
your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.
How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a
Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met
our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only
in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Slinging the bull
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Giving expensive gifts
- Lending money
- Sexual favors
- Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
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