Fast Lane Drive Through College of
Gettimus degreeimus speedius
Can't bear the thought of sitting through three or four years of doctoral
courses in order to get your degree in natural medicine? Don't want to drop a
few thousand into the coffers of a correspondence school and then have to
crack the ole books for six months,... maybe even a year or more?
In the age of instant coffee, instant (inflatable) women, instant oatmeal and
instant gratification - why not an instant education?!?!
This was the mandate which led a group of devoted cons..eh..educators to found
the Fast Lane Drive Through College of Mountain Medicine (FLDTCMM). Now you
can earn that coveted shipskin without ever leaving the comfort of your car,
van, rickshaw, or pickup - and do so in only eleven minutes! (Stats courtesy
of Joes Pool Hall & School of Business).
Here is how it works:
Step # 1:
You drive up to our patented Quack-in-a-Box two-way speaker and menu. Here you
will make your course selections from the following:
(Courses marked with a $ sign are mandatory)
* Medical terminology: The basics - "You're sick" "I'll cure ya" "Pay up"
* Anatomy: "Head" "naughty bits" "butt" "You're way too fat"
$ Enemas & Purgatives (Filling the patient & Draining their bank account)
* Handling uncooperative patients: Herbal sedatives and a blackjack
$ Forms: How you can turn a fifty page questionnaire, a power of attorney +
benficiary forms into a financial empire.
* Toxic herbs: The appropriate therapeutic choice for patients who run out of
* Qualifications: Useful certifications & awards you can run off your home PC
(Certified vomitologist, Licensed Ben Gay Ointment Therapist, Diplomate of
American College of Placebo-ology, Certified Suppositoriologist )
* Essential Diagnostic Equipment: Runes, ouija boards and dowsing rods
$ Finances: Defrauding local banks and the Small Business Administration
* Promotion: How to turn insipid Infomercials & annoying telemarketing
$ Malpractice: How to fix it so your partner takes the rap
$ The Law: How to bribe the local Barney Fife + locating a Bailbondsmen on
* On the lam: Countries that don't extradite and how to buy your way in
Step # 2: After you've made your selection you simply drive up to the
cashier's window, drop $ 39.95 cash or certified bank draft into the folger's
coffee can , and your order will be cheerfully filled on the spot by our staff
of high school drop outs.
Step #3: You then drive around to the testing window - fill out the 12
question form (Answers provided) - then receive your coveted Doctor of
Mountain Medicine degree (M.M.D.). For an extra fee you'll receive a school
mug, a fee bigga mucha fraternity key, an autographed picture of Granny
Clampett (Dean of Faculty postmortemus of the FLDTCNM), and a burger, fries &
And that's it! You are off to set up your mountain medical practice and start
milking the cash cow! Makes skipping league night at the bowling alley to
attend well worth it!
Opening soon: The Fast Lane Drive Through College of Proctology and the FLDT
College of Law. And in the planning stages: The FLDT College of Dentistry (Be
advised: The dental school coursework may take up to 20 minutes to complete).
This idiocy copyright 1998 by Dr. Anthony G. Payne. All rights and wrongs
observed & reserved.
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